SSH troubles and Heart disillusions…

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Oh well, this is what you get for playing with technology. Bad idea.
But I reckon; all of this is to distract myself from ‘it’.
I can even feel her blaming silence, listening to every keystroke of my noisy keyboard, thinking “he’s writing about her”… It just crushes my heart.
I wish I wouldn’t have f**** up so hard. I wish I wouldn’t be the same. I wish I would have gotten out of bed…
Maybe I should post the iMessage I sent Red about all the dreams? Yeah, maybe I should post if a few times, not only now but also then, maybe I would get some answers…

Dreams:

– 1st one. people walking “there” (Iceland allegory)

– cafe / car shop place.Looked like home but it was Iceland.

– monorail tracks a few blocks from home in xxxx.The keys hanging from the trees.The longing.

– THE STRONG ONE.After coming back from Iceland. The airport. The pay phone. The Latino woman in RVK. The toilette.My coming back. Calling mum.The airport dolly and the snow.

– the train accident one: I was already working at xxxx, so it was after my trip to Iceland.The dream was me walking on a place like xxxxx.Sandy dirt roads and talk pine trees. The train crossing , the girl falling off the bike and me wanting to run back after I crossed the tracks and the wooden plank sound …My tears and the waking up in tears.The tall pine trees.The smell.

I spend two days with a constant 24/7 panic attack whenever I remember the sounds. I remember mum had to walk me to the bus stop cause I couldn’t stop collapsing in panic

– the Moscow train station and the knife attack. The hiding in the tracks.

– slaughterhouse Pedró.Few blocks away from home. The Longing again.Trying to cross the bridge. To get back.

– and today. The dream of the trip.H but another person. My search for my passport and the girl that got next to me whilst I was searching the backpack.The words she said and the signs.All of the signs. The way she look. Who she reminded me of.Was it Dianela when I met her ? Is this a sign ? The white dress.My feelings.

 

 

Makes no bloody sense does it? I am trying to make sense of it… I just, miss it a lot.

Please come back.

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